don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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