is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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