I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
