sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
