I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize