I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
