I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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