my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
