My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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