do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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