if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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