I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
