Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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