a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
