How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
