Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
