I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize