I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Come share oat with me in your robe
i think im in europe. pls send help
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
