I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
