Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
