Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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