i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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