He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
