Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
