ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize