I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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