I accidentally burped into my bong.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
