I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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