just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
