He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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