I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
