Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I came so hard my ears popped.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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