my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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