There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Me too!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
