You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize