If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize