You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
