I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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