Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
