nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
