I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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