There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
