He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
