420 ftw
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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