I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
