Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
