So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
