I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She's the barista slut.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
