i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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