Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
