k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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