My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think your dad took our porno
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
