Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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