It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
True college students do jello shots in the library
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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