I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
