the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
