Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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