Michael Bay diarrhea
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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