Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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