i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
